I know your life. I’ve been there before. He’s SO handsome. He’s SO charismatic. Funny. He makes you laugh. He makes you feel safe. He makes you feel *exactly* what you need to feel.
And then you wonder about this, or that. You ignore your intuition, because you fail to recognize that your intuition is your best friend. Hmmm, he’s married. But he justifies it with this, or that. He tells you that he has “no reason to lie”. He’s an open book. His actions speak louder than his words, but you listen to his words instead because they are so convincing.
It’s intense. You can’t get him off your mind. He loves your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body. He’s intense. It’s so hard to be apart because you’re just so *perfect* for each other. The gifts. You’re spoiled. He’s so successful, he’s going to take care of you. You need it? He’ll make it happen, in spite of his bills, he always seems to have the money for the new car, the furniture, the toys, the bling, the bike, the trips.
You feel so bad for him. He was trapped in the wrong relationship. With the wrong person. He thought he loved her, but he was so wrong. He thought he was doing the right thing, but she did this, and she did that. She drove him nuts. She *made* him this way. She isn’t like you. You actually make him happy. He’s been through the wrong relationship now a couple of times, so there is no doubt in his mind that this is the right one.
You make big decisions based on his wishes. You loose touch with your friends. But it’s okay, because he’s your best friend. He’s all you’ll ever need. And you notice that he doesn’t talk as much about your eyes, but he grabs at your ass every chance he gets. He tells you that your boobs better not sag, because that wouldn’t be acceptable. Somewhere along the line he’s come to expect a level of perfection from you that is unfounded. So it’s your goal to achieve that perfection.
It started with a joke here about how you can’t do this right, or you said that stupid thing. You were silly and he says “don’t be so retarded” and you wonder why you aren’t so funny anymore. But then he tells you to lighten up. It’s just a joke. The joke isn’t so funny though, and you don’t get it yet. It’s a “lets all laugh at your expense” carnival and you play along because you’re a good sport and he really takes care of you. He’s SO funny. He’s SO handsome. He’s really perfect for you, and you’re so glad that you make him happy, because he deserves it.
You find yourself thinking about how happy you are, about how it makes you proud to be with this man who seems to be liked by everyone. He loves his kids and its so unfortunate that his kids aren’t yours and that your kid isn’t his because wouldn’t it be so great if you could be one big happy family instead of a couple of broken ones playing house. At the same time, it’s so nice to not have to worry about being here and there for the middle schooler and have time away from the little ones to just be a couple in love. You have everything in common and you have so many fun things to do together.
Because you are a woman you have nights where you are more emotional than others. You lay awake and you wonder. You’ll wonder when he’ll find someone he likes better than you. You shake the thought out of your head because he told you his cheating days are over. He doesn’t like how it makes him feel and it’s not worth it. He can’t imagine loosing you, because remember, you’re different. He made big changes to be with you. He did that for you. You must be special. But that little voice still tells you it will happen. You think of all of the things you do wrong. It’s all little stuff, but it adds up. He asks you what’s wrong and you feel so comfortable talking to him about anything. He hugs you, and holds you and you *know* everything is going to be okay.
Life happens. Situations change, you talk about how you’ve made it through so many challenges. It’s something to be proud of. You have a great relationship and you communicate so well. He tells you everything. Open book, remember? And then you pick up on a couple of things that he didn’t tell you, and he has a great explanation. He doesn’t answer all of your calls. A good buddy of his seems to have a lot to talk about. He spends an awful lot of time playing Yahtzee on his phone. Nobody plays that much Yahtzee. Except for him. “Don’t be so retarded”. He had a long day. You ask him to do something romantic and he agrees, but when the time comes he’s made plans to help that talkative buddy with a project. Your mind wonders. The communication seems different. Eventually he talks to you and you feel so *stupid*. How could you have thought that he would hurt you. He has so much going on. So much stress. Work. You spent a lot at the grocery store. Money. You *know* that he loves you. He’s going to try harder. He’s so sorry.
You’re so relieved. Your mind wondered into such a dark dark place. He’s been cuddling again. He started showing interest in your body again. You feel wanted and pretty. No mention of your eyes, lips, hair…..but he touches you and you feel so connected. Every couple goes through some tough times. Yet another mountain that the two of you climbed together. Life is good.
And then he lets his guard down. You connect some dots. You compare some notes. The rose-colored glasses come flying off. You’re entire world stops and then crashes down all around you. The past 7 years of your life was a lie. You don’t know which parts were real, or fake. You question everything. You have no one to call. You don’t know who you can trust. It’s your worst nightmare and you realize that he has been right all along, you ARE retarded. You are so stupid. He showed you exactly who he was when he came on to you while he was married to his pregnant wife. You believed him. Here you are, broken. You don’t believe in yourself. You can’t do anything right. You tried so hard to be everything that he said you were. And he’s angry. Angry at the thought of you telling everyone. Angry at the thought of you confronting her. Angry because you made him do this. You didn’t throw the junk mail away. You left clothing in the dryer. You didn’t wash the dishes last night.
Here’s the thing: I get that you haven’t lived this entire cycle yet. You will. Some of the details will vary, but in the end it’s all the same. I’m so torn because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone in the world. If I had to pick one person it would be *you*, the weird thing is that I don’t even really wish this on you. I feel bad for you. It’s weird that I feel bad for you because I cannot wrap my mind around the kind of person you are. That is what in cannot relate to. I cannot figure out why people vindictively hurt people. Why women poach other women’s husbands and families. You may be a nice girl. You may be funny. There is even a slight chance that you may be *the one* that he changes for. In spite of all of that, what you chose to be a part of completely destroyed my life. And you knew it would.
I was forced to wake up. I was forced to learn about where I went wrong. My destroyed life is in the past and my current life fills my days will smiles and sunshine. But forgive me, when I can’t control the cold looks that I send your way. Forgive me for loathing that smirk you wear as you parade by with your prize. You think you wear the smirk because you won. You set a goal to make him yours when he was more off limits than any other man in the world. I loath the smirk because I know how wrong you are and it’s just not my place to help you figure that out.
This is how I cope. This is how I cleanse and heal. These are the words that I want to scream out loud when it’s least appropriate. I’m sure *you* will never read them. Maybe they won’t be read by a single soul. But the negative is off of my chest, and that’s the goal. The negative feelings are not a part of who I am at my core. The anxiety has worn out its welcome. This is me refusing to give you power over me. You’ve done enough already.