I’m struggling. I tend to write about the things that challenge me. That is, after all, why I started this blog. To heal and cleanse my life of the negative feelings that get me down.
On a day that every one is supposed to be thankful, I find my mind going to the places where the dark and heavy feelings stay. The things that I don’t allow myself to think about are creeping all around me. I’ve felt this way all day long. So I’ll make a conscience effort to tell those feelings that they don’t belong in my life because I do, after all, have so much to be thankful for.
In a way I consider this the first Thanksgiving since my split from Violet’s dad. Last year I was so numb, it was all I could do to make it through each day, let alone grieve over the loss of my family. The process of divorce comes in phases. I’ve gone through a series of realizations that have helped me grow, and some that have made me more sad than I ever thought possible. For seven years I was a part of an amazing family. I thought I’d be spending holidays with them forever, I didn’t get married to get divorced.
Last years realization: I DID get married to get divorced. I don’t deserve to be so disrespected, I deserve to be cherished and loved out loud.
This years realization: I lost my family.
I was very close with a lot of people in my ex’s family. I’m still close with some of them. The ones who truly care to keep in touch with me do so on a regular basis. In spite of busy schedules and crazy lives I’ll get a random text here, or a call there. It usually comes at a time that I need it most.
At times today the sadness I felt was overwhelming. It’s hard to stop myself from feeling like a victim when I lost a family that I wont ever be ready to let go. I *hate* to feel like a victim. The solution? Write the rest of this post about what I do have, what I haven’t lost and what I’m thankful for. And when I need a reminder, I’ll peak back at this post. We all need a little help remembering things from time to time.
I am thankful for my parents and for all of the time that I am able to spend with them. I am thankful for the morals that they taught me to have, and for the love that they’ve always shown me. I am thankful that Violet has their influence as much as I did, and I hope that she will develop a heart full of love and empathy, just like mine.
I am thankful for my support system. I have an amazing group of friends who have really shown me their true colors. Some live close, others live far (too far) away. Either way each and every one of them have been here for me. To move me, to talk to me, to let me cry, to just be, to let me get my crazies out, to plan with me, to have some wine, to take road trips…. Wow I could go on and on.
I’m thankful to be learning that there are men in this world who *are* capable of telling the truth. That I won’t always need to keep this wall of “trust no one” built around my heart. I’m thankful to harbor hope in my soul that says maybe, just MAYBE I will have a baby boy some day. I’m thankful that I don’t have to be married to do that. Because let’s face it: being married again hasn’t made it on to my “to do” list.
I am thankful for my job. It puts a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back and affords me some fun every now and again. I’m thankful for the people I work with and for the company I work for. I love what I do, not everyone can say that.
I am thankful for my journey. It’s been a long and painful road, but I’m awake and alive. I’ve grown so much, and understand life so much more than I did before. I’ve evolved and have so much more evolving to do. I really like the person I’ve become, I wish I would have known her long ago.
I am thankful for my beautiful and perfect baby girl. She is the center of my universe, she makes my life complete. When I’m not with her I feel like I’m missing my left arm. She is a funny, smart, loving, sassy, independent, one-of-a-kind mini me and I just can’t get enough.
To all of my family and friends past, present and future. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for you. Always.