Happy Birthday, Baby

Five years ago tonight I was sitting in a hospital room, alone, watching the Vanderbeck girls on Expedition Impossible.  My water hadn’t broken yet, but I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and I knew that my life was going to change.  

I didn’t know how much my life would change.  It was drastic.  

In the morning my baby will be five years old, and tonight I am essentially *nothing* like that pregnant girl who sat in the hospital all alone five years ago.  

Violet was born a tiny little healthy perfectly beautiful bright eyed bundle of the very reason I was put on this earth.  That little girl and I, we are a team.  She is an old soul, and she saw me straight through every single life changing moment of the past five years.  

Because of Violet, I care about things I never cared about before

Because of Violet, I don’t care about things I always cared about.

Because of Violet, I respect myself–so as to teach her that she should respect herself.

Because of Violet, I’ll only settle for what I deserve.

Because of Violet, I always strive to be better.  To do things a better way.  To never stop growing.

Because of Violet, I am at peace.

Because of Violet, my religion is love.

I am so thankful to experience this part of life.  I’m thankful for the pain and the tears and the time I spent as a single mom.  I think those experiences are the driving force behind how I evolved to discover who I am now.  I’m thankful for the little girl who made me extra cautious about who to trust with my heart.  I’m thankful for all of the times she keeps me honest, because really:  that kid will call you out when you need her to.  She really is just the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me.

Five years ago I wouldn’t have been able to dream what my life would become.  When Violet turned one our Suzy said, “So much can happen in one year”.  How incredibly true.  So so so so so much has happened in five years.  

I’m sitting here with my swollen ankles up, feeling Violet’s brother dance a jig on my cervix.  Violet danced a lot of jigs, too.  *that part really is the best*

I don’t like to say that I am blessed.  I don’t believe that I deserve all of the peace and happiness that I’ve found over anyone who hasn’t found theirs yet.  I don’t think that God loves me more than some other girl, so he blessed me with food and shelter, healthy kids and love.  But I do want to appreciate all that I have, because I didn’t always have it.  

Violet, thanks for picking me to be your momma.  You changed my life forever, and I love every second of this.  I always knew you were meant to be a big sister, and you are going to be the best big sister there ever was.  Our family isn’t anything like what I thought it would be, but we have so much love.  And really….all you need is love.  You may be small and mighty but you’ve grown so much from the little five pound baby born on June 24, 2011.  I love you BIG. bigger than the whole universe and then some.  Happy Birthday you beautiful amazing little girl.