You guys: I’m having a baby soon.
If you know me, you know that I have always wanted this for my life. You would also know that my life took a bit of a detour to get to this point
I’ve shared a lot on my blog, a lot of very personal struggles and challenges of the past three years or so: and there is a lot that I have not shared.
Somewhere in the midst of my ever-present healing process, and life packed full of Violet, work, aging parents and standing in my own way–I found love. I certainly didn’t make it easy for myself, and it’s not as easy to tell this story, because this story isn’t just my own.
Joe and I have been through a lot both before being together…and since. Heartbreak that requires healing, hard times that force growth. One thing about love after abuse and unhealthy relationships: you never settle for less than what you deserve (and if you do: you haven’t healed enough).
Joe and I both feel that relationships aren’t meant to be broadcast over social media, we’ve had many conversations about the nature of only including the good stuff, and how unrealistic that is. We’ve had just as many conversations of the opposite: the posts of complaints and the “airing of dirty laundry” that is just as maddening. Our happy medium is the occasional picture posted of something fun we did, or one of our kids being cute.
My BFF got married this year (it was lovely and perfect). She found a pretty perfect description of the kind of love she shares with her husband…it just happens to be pretty perfect for Joe and I, too. (BFF and I have like, EVERYTHING in common)
“I didn’t *fall* into love with you.
I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way.
I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway.
And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality,
I’d find you, and I’d choose you.”
You see, Joe is gentle, patient, and doesn’t have an angry bone in his body. He’s the same guy no matter who he is around. I can feel his empathy, as it often matches mine: and he has the same desire to always grow. When I find myself on a ledge, he has this remarkable talent to talk me down–and I have the same talent when he finds himself on his own ledges. There are ups and downs because this is real life. But this partner that I’ve found in Joe, he makes this pregnancy a whole new world for me.
Our family is not traditional. It’s not a perfect nuclear package tied with a pretty bow. The plans that I made for my life went nothing like this, but ultimately, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Violets’s older brother made me a mother. I didn’t carry him, his birth story is not my own, but I love him just the same. Violet gave me the joy of carrying life, and saw me through so much of my story. My “Momma’s heart” has so much room, and the addition of two more bonus kids just means that my “full house” and desire for a big family is the stuff of reality: I just got here in a rather unconventional way.
So here is some of the beautiful happiness that’s been my life for the past 9 months, experiencing pregnancy with my Joey.
I had someone to take my picture every week.
Any day now, my life will change again. I’ll nurse, and cloth diaper. I’ll co-sleep and cherish this little meatball. And when I’m tired I won’t hear, “you wanted this” as my partner leaves me to struggle through. I’ll hear, “let me help” or “take a nap” or even, “yeah, this is hard, we’re in this together.”
Pregnancy can be amazing for many reasons, and in my case this has been a healing experience–and very difficult at times. I didn’t know that I didn’t face the wide open wounds of the betrayal that happened throughout my first pregnancy and into those fragile months of early motherhood. Joe didn’t save me, he’s not a knight in shining armor. Every day I wake up with the intent to learn something new,heal, or at least make it a good day. Some days I fail miserably. And Joe, he’s there. He proved me wrong about love. He helped me to see that while nobody is perfect, there *are* good guys out there. I let my jaded self believe that fairy tales don’t come true, and that was a misstep. This fairy tale is mine. It’s messy and blended, and it’s mine. I have my partner beside me, and it’s great.
“Are you scared?” He just asked.
“No, but I am nervous. Are you scared?”
“I think we might be too old for this” (newborn stuff)
He laughs. “It’s too late now!”
Bring it on, Baby C. We’ve got this.