It took a fantastically long time for my divorce to be final. I really thought that I would know how to feel about all of this, I did have a lot of time to process things. Truth is…..I don’t know how to feel.
I learned to never plan my life. When the plans that I made for myself didn’t work out it was devastating. It still is.
I don’t know how to feel about “romantical” love. By nature I want to trust, and share my life. The thought of that is now so terrifying, I’m not even sure that it is worth it. But sometimes I am so lonely.
I *really* want more kids…..or at least another. Violet bring me so much joy. I have so much love to give her, I know there is room for another little soul for me to mother.
It’s hard to feel two opposite feelings at once.
The complete sadness that I failed at being married. I never ever wanted my baby to have split holidays, I want to see her every single day. To have promised my life to someone for better or worse, and to not have a partner to celebrate my promotion with me, or to watch with wonder as our child grows up. The extreme pain and hard work it takes to heal and grow from the damage of emotional abuse.
To have those hard, sad and yucky feelings, and at the same time feel relief that I am free. I am happy, and I know that I deserve respect. Even though it scares me, it’s certainly possible for me to find a partner to be happy and healthy with. To appreciate and enjoy every second I have with my beautiful baby girl.
Sad and Happy at the same time. Disappointed and Excited all at once. Depressed and Hopeful simultaneously.
And then there is society. The same society that tells all young people that they NEED to be married isolates divorced women with stereotypes and prejudice. Other moms in my community are super sweet, until they find out I’m divorced. Then I’m public enemy #1. “Lock up your husbands ladies, this bitch is *for sure* going to wreck our homes.” Yeah, no thanks. I’m not interested. What I would LOVE, is for some of you to realize that my marrying the wrong person does not define me. The fact that I’m single doesn’t mean I’m after all of the unavailable men. I’d love to not be put into a category of the huge stigma that exists for single moms.
The other day I ran into the mother of a girl I graduated with. She was so excited to see me and happy to hear of my healthy little girl. “What does your husband do?” she asked…
“Oh, I recently went through a divorce.”
You would have thought I told her that I murdered him. She literally walked away from me without another word. Wow. This life is isolating…to say the least.
It’s still better than before.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am full.
I am loved by my parents, who have always loved me. They are proud of my accomplishments, they are my biggest fans. I thank God every day that I still have them and that I can be with them and that Violet knows them. I am loved by my friends, my friends are amazing. All of them. I am loved by my daughter. The most amazing love of all.
I am blessed to have a job that I really enjoy. To have been able to learn more each day, and to move upward and onward with a company that I like working for. I am blessed that I can make ends meet, and I can figure out how to do things for my daughter that cost money, and fix things in my home that improve the quality of life that my parents have. I am blessed to lead a healthy and overall happy life. I am blessed to have gained certain extended family that I will never loose no matter who I am or am not married to. (You all know who you are…..and I love you ❤️).
I am full of hope. I am full of the empowering feeling that came when I finally stood up for myself. I am full of peace and thankfulness that I can choose to not live in turmoil.
But my marriage is over…for real and I don’t know how to feel.
As we very quickly enter into “the holidays” I remember that these are the hardest days. The memories of family gatherings when I was still part of a family that gathered. The time I must spend away from Violet while everyone is supposed to be with the ones they love the most. The uncertainty that I’ll ever feel safe and loved and welcomed into new holiday traditions…. is it summer yet?
There isn’t a single person on earth who has gone through life without being criticized. That’s comforting. So much of the population has and will criticize me for being a divorced woman. *I didn’t reach my goal.*. *I must have not taken it seriously.* *Young people these days just don’t take anything seriously.*
I take my happiness seriously. I take respect seriously. I take the well being of my child very seriously.
I share my story because if I can help just one person get through a dark part of their life, then my struggle is worth it. I write my thoughts out because I need to, even if I didn’t have a single reader. I’m confident that I’ll figure out how to move on from here. I just wish I could speed the process up a tad. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling the affect of my failed marriage, but I do know that I’m thankful to not be at the beginning of my struggle.
I’m trying *very hard* to just focus on the multitude of wonderful in my life. Still, I just can’t help but to feel sad each time I see one of Violet’s friends will be a big brother or sister. I planned that for my life too and for Violets life. It’s just not my reality. For that, I feel sad. (And at the same time I’m elated for the friends who are having babies! If you are reading this and you are one of them, I will snuggle your babies up. I love babies!).
Here we go again, deflated and soooooo excited in the same emotion. It’s exhausting.
When I show excitement for being a single woman, that sensation is real. What I’m not showing (except for like….right now), is that I’m also sad.
I’m working on it.
So in conclusion: here is something that makes me happy. Being happy is my favorite.
Summertime with my girl ❤️